I’ve never felt angry at God before; not knowingly, anyway. But a few weeks ago, on my way to church (of all places), I just let some thoughts fly.
I was by myself. My husband was staying home with our sick kids. It was just me, my car, and God. And I yelled. In that moment, I couldn’t hold back. The words and emotions just burst.
As I pulled into church, I tried to collect myself. I think I cried a little – not because I was feeling sorry for myself, but because I was grieved. I was ashamed for blaming God for my current “calamities.” I was disheartened that my faith was so weak.
Have you ever felt angry at God? I don’t know about you, but there have been certain points in my adult life that have just… stunk. During other low-points in the past, I remember being sad, depressed, and confused, but never angry. I was having a very difficult time knowing how to deal with it.
That Sunday, as I settled in to a pew and soaked in every word of sermon, I heard exactly what I needed to hear: “There are some parts of our lives that seem unfair and unfortunate. But, life’s not supposed to be easy.” It was a bleak but honest reminder: that this latest thing that was bothering me was a very normal part of living in a broken world. Life is hard. It’s not supposed to be all parties and laughter.
It is during these difficult moments, though, that Jesus’ redemption for our lives is even more appealing. Sometimes, hardship, calamity, anger, depression, or whatever it might be are truly a wake-up call for us. I recently read a church sign that stated, “it’s hard to fall when you’re down on your knees.” When you’re down in the dumps, the only place to look is up.
Thankfully for us, our “up” is literally perfect. Jesus alone provides peace for our heartache, calm for our anger, and comfort in our sadness. Once in a while, I think it takes a time or a season of hardship to help us remember who is really in control.
That Sunday, I also thought about Job: Come on, Hannah, the thing that’s bothering you is nowhere near as bad as what that poor man went through. Job had lost his wealth, lost his dear children, and lost his dignity. He was left with sickly flesh and an aching heart. But even Christ triumphs over the worst of earthly calamities, and Job knew it. “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.” (Job 19:25) Jesus is still in control.
After the sermon, I prepared my heart, as best as I could, to receive the Lord’s Supper. I confessed and apologized for my grievous actions. I wanted forgiveness and a fresh start so badly. And at the Communion table, I received just that. “This is my blood… poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.” (Matthew 26:28)
The drive back home was much more peaceful. Jesus forgave me; he forgives us. I may have gotten angry at him, but he has big shoulders. God is mightier than my anger. He alone controls, forgives, directs, blesses, and guides my ways. Praise and honor and glory be to him, forever and ever! Amen.